Honesty is underrated.
*Just a heads up: this piece is very chaotic — just thoughts*
A few days back I asked a guy (who I think is an awesome person) out for a drink.
P.S. This has no direct link to what I’m gonna say next, I just wanted to give you some context so you know where my thinking came from.
So, my biggest fear when asking this person out was that he would say ‘yes’ just so he would not make me feel awkward or sad or something. And guess what!
He softly, and kindly rejected me :)
This sounds kinda funny but I am so glad he did it. I’ve seen people get mad or bitter when they get turned down by a potential romantic partner — and to be fair part of me was also a bit like ‘but why doesn’t he wanna go out with me?’ (cause in my head there was a nice vibe between us). However, I think in the cases of romance, as well as so many other contexts, honesty should be celebrated instead of vilified in this way.
Let’s think about why we get pissed or upset when someone is honest — and we don’t like their honesty (i.e., maybe they were honest about not wanting to hang out, or about something we are wearing and they don’t like, or perhaps they gave us honest advise). So, why do we get pissed or upset? I think the bingo answer here is… ta ta ta ta aaa… OUR EGO!
Our ego. Oh, poor ego being hurt whenever people don’t validate you or agree with you, or make you not feel special. Given that the term ego is used and often misused in many ways — I just want to clarify what I mean when I say ego. In this case, our ego is everything we consciously identify as being us — our self (this is based on Freud’s psychoanalytic theory by the way).
Anyways enough of the technicalities. Back to the convo. Our ego. When unleashed and in charge, the ego (I believe) can create a lot of problems for us. It doesn’t deal well with rejection because our ego often perceives everything the world shows us, as the reality of what’s real. So technically if I tell you that I don’t wanna spend time with you, you are likely to take it entirely personal. Taking things personally is a whole different topic, but I won’t go into that right now.
If we think about this rationally though, why would honesty hurt us? Honesty in and of itself is a blessing. Imagine if people were pretending to like spending time with you. You’d be wasting your time in situations where you are not appreciated as should. And when I say as should — I mean fully, appreciated, fully experienced, and valued, for exactly the awesome and at the same time weird person that you are, we all deserve to be treated that way after all.
In other cases, honesty can hurt so much, that we’d likely prefer a lie. For example, if your partner cheated on you but they regretted it, would you want them to be honest about what they did? You will probably say ‘yes I’d still want them to tell me’.
But there are other cases where honesty can make important decisions very hard, and even create conflict within us. Let’s use our imagination for a minute. Let's say you are in a loving relationship with someone and you realize you want to spend your life with them. However, they have a dream which makes them unable to commit to you for the next few years. They love you, but the dream is more important. They are honest with you and tell you about this, and now the burden falls on you. Do you take this honesty and break up the relationship right now? Do you use honesty and stay with this person until they have to leave? Do you fight for them, even if they have other priorities that don’t include you? Would it be better if all of this was just an unexpected conversation a day before they left? Would you be better off not knowing that they love you? Would it hurt more not knowing or less?
(I hope you’re not expecting an answer here, cause, to be honest, I don’t have one.)
It’s just so intriguing to think about how ambiguous every situation can get. How honesty is so important in human relationships. And if I were to take it a step further, what if politicians were honest? What if businesses were honest? What if everyone said what they truly believed? This would definitely come with a lot of costs as well though. I mean, some people have a very ill way of thinking about diversity, human rights, or equality. So I guess honesty isn’t all good right? Or is this something else? Maybe, in this case, it isn’t about honesty alone. Maybe more concepts are involved, such as morality, kindness, or freedom of expression.
This just got a lot more complicated right? So, going back to simple honesty…
I am starting to realize that the more I put myself out there and the more honesty I face, the risk of being hurt is larger. However, I choose that I don’t mind it at all. To be more precise, I don’t want to mind it. Perhaps honesty can both save us time, redirect us toward different paths, and even make us better people (if it requires self-reflection).
Lastly, I also realize that I’m always honest about the big stuff — like telling people how I feel, what I believe, etc. but I often take a side step from honesty for some small, seemingly insignificant stuff — like ‘do you like the food I made?’ — yes! Sometimes I’m in a dilemma, is it always important to be honest? Even when you will unnecessarily hurt someone with your honesty? I mean, what if I say I like some food that in reality I didn’t like? What are the effects of this small lie? I don’t know if I am being politically correct right now, because the line of correctness is a bit vague for me in this case.
It’s safe to say that I’m decided on the importance of honesty in big situations when it comes to other people’s decisions, lives — if you are going to affect them in some way, or intend to do so, just tell them, it can go a long way — for both of you.
