Dear stranger,
I just want to talk to someone but I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, or make people feel sad because of me. I also don’t want anyone to try to help me — I just want to share and be heard and seen without inflicting any pain on others.
So I thought I’d just write here — to strangers.
I feel sad and alone. My schedule for today had quite a few things going on, but instead, I’m still in my bed, with open curtains to let the ‘light’ of a rainy day in the Netherlands come inside. I got my cookies from the pantry and just binged watched episodes from The Bold Type (season 4).
Change is difficult. When I’m sad I have different ways of dealing with it, but usually, the first thing I do is feel sorry for myself and just not really act on doing something to feel better. Sometimes, I get up and go for a bike ride, or do something else, like drawing, or calling someone.
But there are a lot of times that I want to channel my feelings toward something bigger. I want to write about them and come to some grandiose conclusion on how to solve the problem. That’s kinda funny cause I think this is what I’m trying to do right now.
Fun fact: it just started raining, and this whole moment got 100 times cozier.
I think our low moments are really great. Not just important, but necessary. Without the lows, we wouldn’t strive for change. After all, why would you try to change something that’s going great? Not much motive there.
Usually, when I feel shitty, I have a hard long look at my life. And more often than not I’m able to think of a million things that I would want to change (both big and small), and how my lifestyle isn’t how I want it to be.
But there’s something different about today.
Now, I’ve been introduced to the world of philosophy through academia. And I feel that I've found my place in some way (and for now). I always had so many ideas — about different stuff: life, people, behaviours, change. And I loved having ideas, I loved sharing them, but always felt like they didn’t have any real application in the world.
Perhaps that’s why I turn to writing. I felt like the only way I could give life to my ideas was to write them, share them, and hopefully, people would see them, think about them or even resonate with them.
Philosophy has taught me, if anything, how much ideas are valued. How this obsession of mine, of coming up with my weird little theories about life, fits in the world. It feels really great to learn about people who have lived before you and who have had ideas that you either somehow believe in, or are challenged by.
I just feel gratitude. This is one of the few times, that I feel lonely, sad, and kinda shitty, but I don’t attribute it to my life, I simply realize that these feelings come up sometimes, and that’s okay.
If you’ve read this, I have no idea why you did but thank you for giving me the space to share what I feel. You’re a beautiful human being and I know that because we all are — in our special way.
