Isn’t it weird that someone who used to be your best friend in the whole world is just not at all in your life anymore? I mean, sure, this is life, people come and people go. But it’s just hard to grasp.
After breaking up with whom I deemed to be the love of my life, and after completely cutting off any communication with each other (because we made a ‘deal’), I’ve come to a realization:
Breakups are weird.
And at this point in time when I say ‘weird’, I don’t exactly mean painful, or sad. I just mean kinda hard to get.
The rational part of my brain: “Breakups aren’t that weird after all. People leaving your life is the natural pathway to growth. If you spent all your life with the same people, life as we know it wouldn’t even exist the same way. You’d probably be almost the same as you were years ago. The people around you shape you.”
Back to the irrational part of me:
On the occasions that a break up happens not because of something going terribly wrong, but simply because each person took a different path in life (i.e. distance, career, etc.) it can be even harder to grasp how someone just isn't in your life anymore.
At least for me. This person was my best friend in the whole world. I would cry and laugh my heart out when I was with him — at least that’s what I remember. We would talk to each other openly and with no filters, we would teach each other how to be better, we’d dream together and have fun, and challenge each other.
One thing, I surely do remember is that I wasn’t then, this version of myself that I am now. I like me now, and this for me is such a great thing to be able to say, cause back then I hated me — let alone liked me at all.
Even though this was the case, I’m well aware that if I attributed my not being myself to my partner or relationship, would be a big fat lie. No one else other than me was ever responsible for how I felt. And looking at life through this perspective makes it so much more empowering. If no one can ‘make you feel’ this or that way, then you accept full responsibility for how you feel. The wonders that come with taking responsibility is that you can choose to change how you feel, or just accept it and not allow it to mess with you anymore.
Anyway, I obviously slipped off topic there for a bit.
So, back to breakups being weird and all…
On the one hand, yes breaking up is just a fancy way of explaining the natural occurrence of people walking into and out of your life. Nevertheless, when a break-up is consensual and happens on good terms, sometimes people still have hope that they might get to meet the other person again.
Especially in the case where ‘timing’ wasn’t ideal. A little something about timing… I think the timing is always ideal. We just don’t know for what. For example, I might perceive it as ‘bad timing’ that I met someone I really loved at a point in my life where I wasn’t mature enough or loving myself enough to make the relationship all it can be. However, it might have actually been exactly the best timing for this to happen — I might just don’t know it yet!
This whole piece of writing started out simply because I wanted to express my feelings of how weird I feel that the person I admire, love, and miss is still not in my life. I am not sad in particular, and I am definitely not regretting anything. If anything I’m grateful we took our separate ways — I’ve learned a lot throughout this time, and I still have so much more to find out about me and the world.
I just have the need to express how weird it is seeing someone I used to call my best friend, whom I haven’t spoken to in months now, and feeling like I don’t know them anymore. People change, and we often change for the better. And all I want is to call and ask…
“How are you? How’s life treating you?”
And then I just want to hear the answer, and listen to all of it — all the failures, all the successes, all the realizations, and good and weird times! I want to find out about who they’ve grown to be.
And then… when I hear all of it I just want to share what I’ve learned through this time, and how glad I am that I met them, and for everything happening the way it did…
…and lastly, all I want to say is… “I miss you.”