A prison decorated with flowers.
Our brain, mind, soul, or whatever you choose to call ‘it’, and the beautiful ideas created by ‘it’ never fail to amaze me.
We create ideas, beliefs, and concepts about things so abstract not even describable by the richness of our languages. I’ve been carrying an idea with me for some time now. One that has brought me so much emotional wealth, yet has become my prison at the same time.
You see, I fell in love with a certain someone — someone whom I’ve painted as not only the love of my life but also the most amazing, wonderful person I know. Like the green colour of the leaves disappearing in the fall, our relationship came to an end… And in its place, I created ideas from the wonderful memories I had.
Dangerous thing these ideas sometimes though.
I thought I was remembering something that was real. The thing with the past though is that it exists as such only at that point in time. Even though we love cherishing moments with loved ones, recalling beautiful experiences, and reliving situations in our heads, we forget that what was then, might not be now.
The thing is, we might actually need to preserve some memories. We might need them in order to survive something tragic — like losing someone we love. In some cases, I’d say, hold on to the memories with all you’ve got.
On the other side of this though, some memories, and the meanings we attach to them, paired with a romantic soul, or one where hope never dies, can sometimes be a great recipe for pain.
If we live a life in the present, and our mental states, emotions, and ideas are based on the past, then something is out of sync. And I did just that. For a considerable amount of time.
I looked around at my life and thought of him as though we are what we were then. But in reality, he was not even in my life. I just held on to the memories, and who we used to be together, and I assumed with all my heart and soul that we are now who we were then. I lived my life, thinking about how it would be to be with him and experience different moments, or how it would be to tell him about them.
Oh, but how I fooled myself. After talking to him again, even though so much love exists, I realized that the idea I created is not as accurate as I’d hoped it to be. And how could it be? We’ve both changed so much.
I feel like I don’t know him as deeply anymore, but I do know the idea of him perfectly well.
This makes me wonder, did I construct this idea because of him, or because of me, or because of the both of us? When we fall in love with people, do we fall in love with the person in front of us, or do we fall in love with the person in front of us through the beautiful filter of our own love?
There must be some truth in the latter. Because if not, how can we explain the phenomenon of not being able to love deeply when we resent our own selves?
Such a beautiful idea. Wonderful memories, make up a whole album in my head and heart.
Saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult. I thought I said goodbye a long time ago, but in reality, I was deceiving myself into believing so. I’ve said goodbye, but kept the idea of him, of us, well polished inside.
Maybe there is no harm in that. Maybe, there’s no harm if it doesn’t hold you back from reality, and the pursuit of your life.
But it wasn’t like that for me. I imprisoned myself by taking away my individuality. I created this oneness in the union of the love we had, and forgot that I am, without him.
I am without him. What a powerful thing to feel.
I cherish the memories and hope I will always hold them fondly in my heart. But, now, they are memories and experiences in the book of my life.
That’s all they are.
Not my reality. Not anymore. Just beautiful, warm memories.
I am without him. How freeing is that?
